Bummer

Yesterday I thought I was going to receive the news I have working so hard to receive….and it didn’t come.  I walked into Physical Therapy confident…felt good about my posture and movement, rode the bike the best I have ever ridden it since my episode…and then the toe taps on the step came.  I thought I was doing pretty good, but I guess not.  I really wanted to be cleared and be told I am back to normal, but Tanice thought otherwise.  She said, “There is no way I can clear you to go back to work and drive.  Your brain and leg are still not communicating right.  You were still slow on the toe taps.”  What the Fuck????!?!?!????!?  

Needless to say, I was completely deflated.  I started acting like a child during my session.  Not doing what she wanted me to do.  Not trying, just bummed and PISSED!  I know I am good to go.  She is just being way to cautious and I had no say in it.  Just yesterday I was making saves on net.  How am I not back to normal?  The leg feels good, the tendon is strong.  Come on now?! 

Ok, so now that that is out of the way, I guess the positive and “what have I learned from this” portion of this blog mus come into play.  I understand her belief that I may not be all the way there and I really do not want to have any other lapses in my progression.  She probably is right and better to be safe than sorry.  I never want to go through that experience of losing all feeling in my leg and spending 3 days in the hospital again.  I will concede to her wishes and stay home for another week.  I am just praying this next week will offer better news.  Until then, keep pushing through and persevering.  

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.

John Quincy Adams

The human body is amazing

PT today went better than I could have even imagined.  Tanice can see my progress and I can definitely feel my strength coming through.  I got the bike working right today…which I have had trouble with for the past 2 weeks.  It was great seeing that.  I can also walk well up the stairs and down the stairs and walk along…although with a heavy limp.  She says that will come back in time. 

Downside is I still do not have great balance. It is the strangest thing how the body works.  If you don’t have balance, you our out of alignment.  Just like life.  I saw that today.  So weird.  I need to work on balancing my life…balancing my mind and balancing my body.  I can do this!

We come into this world head first and go out feet first; in between, it is all a matter of balance. Paul Boese  

Weekend right into the weekday

Wow, this weekend flew by…and really not much happened.  The house is a pit.  Chores haven’t been down.  Tania is never here…it’s almost like she wants to be away from this place.  She has been so busy with work, and photo shoots, I feel like I never really see her.  I’m definitely not complaining.  She is finally making money, which is really nice.  She knows she has talent, and she is putting it out there.  Good for her.  But I do miss her.  Barely saw her Saturday and yesterday, we went to her parents house where, as always, her mother monopolized my time.  Again, I am not complaining, but I am the one she loves to talk to, and yesterday, I just wanted to pull out the hammock and lay in it with Tania.  Oh well.

Now it is the start of the week and looking at the calendar, we won’t be seeing much of each other again.  I have a ton of soccer stuff to do this week:  goalkeeping sessions, registrations, field moves to the new park.  Almost each evening will be taken up by soccer…and I know she won’t like it.  But she will be home.  This time I will be gone.  I am worried things are going in a negative way, but really cannot tell.  

It would just be nice to have things slow down.  I never thought our lives would be so hectic.  And it isn’t because of the kids and their extra curricular activities.  It is because of the parents.  So weird.  We all just need to get time to slow down, relax, and be a family.  Maybe when school starts that will happen.  

Life is full of unbearable events, Just keep the flag of peace flying And keep living. Life is too short!

Boring

I am so bored today.  First time in a long time I have felt bored.  I just don’t know what to do.  I try to focus on work, bt then get tired of that.  I have cleaned the downstairs and worked on laundry, and bored with that.  Surfed the web and bored with that.  I am a mess.  What to do?

They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm. – Dorothy Parker

Day 16

Today was a pretty calm and relaxing day…minus he work part…oh and the kids part.  Ok, so maybe not so much relaxing, but a good day.  I feel my leg getting stronger and not feeling so tired all the time.  I continue to work on the exercises and walking techniques I was instructed to do and feel better each time I do them.  My only concern now is the pain is starting to be felt.  My heal and ankle seem to be in constant pain and only ice will relieve it.  Definitely something to tell the docs tomorrow.

Life still feels pretty crazy.  I am starting to feel the stress come back into my life.  Work stress, financial stress, basic family stress.  Work stress, I just need to slow down and do what I can do each day.  Just know tomorrow is another day and it can get done then.  I really do not have deadlines in place, but because of the way I am, I seem to try to finish everything as soon as possible.  I need to take a step away from that and just work at pace.  It will get done.

Financial stress is probably my biggest stress.  I feel like I owe everyone.  The hospital, my house, utilities, gas all the time, and my parents.  It is so overwhelming every month to make ends meet.  I struggle telling my wife and kids no all the time.  I feel they hate me for it.  It is so frustrating.  How do I fix it without getting another job and adding more stress to my work life?  That one I must ponder on.

Finally family stress.  Although the least of all my stress, I know I still have it.  Today is a good example.  This morning I was very happy having the kids here.  They woke up at 9 something and I took them to McDonald’s for breakfast.  We stayed there for 2+ hours.  It was great.  When they came home they were tired and wore out enough from playing in the play land, they went upstairs to watch a movie.  Peace and Quiet for another 2 hours, but that quickly went away and they have been wild ever since.  I hear my self yelling at them more as the evening goes on…and even Tania said I had sharpness in my voice when I spoke to her on the phone.  I wish I could handle this stress better.  I do not like getting mad or yelling at the kids.  They are kids and will make messes, mistakes, and be loud and obnoxious.

Maybe I do need counseling!

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

Arthur Ashe