Bummer

Yesterday I thought I was going to receive the news I have working so hard to receive….and it didn’t come.  I walked into Physical Therapy confident…felt good about my posture and movement, rode the bike the best I have ever ridden it since my episode…and then the toe taps on the step came.  I thought I was doing pretty good, but I guess not.  I really wanted to be cleared and be told I am back to normal, but Tanice thought otherwise.  She said, “There is no way I can clear you to go back to work and drive.  Your brain and leg are still not communicating right.  You were still slow on the toe taps.”  What the Fuck????!?!?!????!?  

Needless to say, I was completely deflated.  I started acting like a child during my session.  Not doing what she wanted me to do.  Not trying, just bummed and PISSED!  I know I am good to go.  She is just being way to cautious and I had no say in it.  Just yesterday I was making saves on net.  How am I not back to normal?  The leg feels good, the tendon is strong.  Come on now?! 

Ok, so now that that is out of the way, I guess the positive and “what have I learned from this” portion of this blog mus come into play.  I understand her belief that I may not be all the way there and I really do not want to have any other lapses in my progression.  She probably is right and better to be safe than sorry.  I never want to go through that experience of losing all feeling in my leg and spending 3 days in the hospital again.  I will concede to her wishes and stay home for another week.  I am just praying this next week will offer better news.  Until then, keep pushing through and persevering.  

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.

John Quincy Adams

Finally have a diagnosis

So yesterday I was basically down and out with extreme pain in my foot.  Well, now I know what caused that pain.  Tendinitis.  Who knew?  Apparently it is caused by not walking properly and will continue until I learn to walk right.  Shit!!!! 

My therapist used some machine to relieve the pain…looked like an ultrasound, but it was warm and she rubbed the device around the area where the tendinitis was.  I felt 10x better afterward, but now I am feeling it again.  Guess I need to focus on walking normal…heal to toe step and walk straight.  Wish me luck.

“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.”
–Earl Nightingale

Another step backward

Just as I started moving forward, I have experienced another setback.  Although it is minor, it has still put me down and out.  Some people call it Gout, I call it the worst feeling anyone can ever imagine.  I have excruciating pain and any movement will make me want to scream.

I am getting really tired of moving forward and then getting knocked backwards.  Very frustrating.

What is worse of all is I can’t experience  life with my family.  While they are out, I’m stuck here at the house, alone.  Isolation is not fun. 

I am so tired of this.  It is messing with my mind.  I don’t understand why it is happening to me.  Who did I piss off to make this happen to me.  What am I doing wrong to have God allow this to happen to me.  I pray each day.  I try to be nice to everyone and lead a nice, peaceful and loving life?  All I can think of is I am not doing well caring for my own body.  I might be pushing too hard again trying to get my leg back in shape and this is a way to slow me down again.  The last time, I was put in the hospital for 3 days.  It reminded me to slow down.  I guess I need to slow down again. 

“Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.”

Gordon B. Hinckley

The human body is amazing

PT today went better than I could have even imagined.  Tanice can see my progress and I can definitely feel my strength coming through.  I got the bike working right today…which I have had trouble with for the past 2 weeks.  It was great seeing that.  I can also walk well up the stairs and down the stairs and walk along…although with a heavy limp.  She says that will come back in time. 

Downside is I still do not have great balance. It is the strangest thing how the body works.  If you don’t have balance, you our out of alignment.  Just like life.  I saw that today.  So weird.  I need to work on balancing my life…balancing my mind and balancing my body.  I can do this!

We come into this world head first and go out feet first; in between, it is all a matter of balance. Paul Boese  

Weekend right into the weekday

Wow, this weekend flew by…and really not much happened.  The house is a pit.  Chores haven’t been down.  Tania is never here…it’s almost like she wants to be away from this place.  She has been so busy with work, and photo shoots, I feel like I never really see her.  I’m definitely not complaining.  She is finally making money, which is really nice.  She knows she has talent, and she is putting it out there.  Good for her.  But I do miss her.  Barely saw her Saturday and yesterday, we went to her parents house where, as always, her mother monopolized my time.  Again, I am not complaining, but I am the one she loves to talk to, and yesterday, I just wanted to pull out the hammock and lay in it with Tania.  Oh well.

Now it is the start of the week and looking at the calendar, we won’t be seeing much of each other again.  I have a ton of soccer stuff to do this week:  goalkeeping sessions, registrations, field moves to the new park.  Almost each evening will be taken up by soccer…and I know she won’t like it.  But she will be home.  This time I will be gone.  I am worried things are going in a negative way, but really cannot tell.  

It would just be nice to have things slow down.  I never thought our lives would be so hectic.  And it isn’t because of the kids and their extra curricular activities.  It is because of the parents.  So weird.  We all just need to get time to slow down, relax, and be a family.  Maybe when school starts that will happen.  

Life is full of unbearable events, Just keep the flag of peace flying And keep living. Life is too short!

Boring

I am so bored today.  First time in a long time I have felt bored.  I just don’t know what to do.  I try to focus on work, bt then get tired of that.  I have cleaned the downstairs and worked on laundry, and bored with that.  Surfed the web and bored with that.  I am a mess.  What to do?

They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm. – Dorothy Parker

Woo-Hoo

I was amazed at what I could do at physical therapy today.  I got placed on a rowing machine.  Although it probably looked really ugly, I still managed to run it for almost 8 minutes, meaning I am getting stronger.  I am almost rejoicing in the success, but know I still have some work to do.  My goal is to walk normally by Aug.1st.  I think I can do it.

So, good day so far  I still have a lot left to do today:  finish a couple reports for the bosses, do a little grocery shopping at our new King Soopers, and the monthly board meeting for the club tonight.  Busy, busy day, but having success this morning makes it a very happy day!!!!!

Either you run the day or the day runs you.

Jim Rohn

Day 16

Today was a pretty calm and relaxing day…minus he work part…oh and the kids part.  Ok, so maybe not so much relaxing, but a good day.  I feel my leg getting stronger and not feeling so tired all the time.  I continue to work on the exercises and walking techniques I was instructed to do and feel better each time I do them.  My only concern now is the pain is starting to be felt.  My heal and ankle seem to be in constant pain and only ice will relieve it.  Definitely something to tell the docs tomorrow.

Life still feels pretty crazy.  I am starting to feel the stress come back into my life.  Work stress, financial stress, basic family stress.  Work stress, I just need to slow down and do what I can do each day.  Just know tomorrow is another day and it can get done then.  I really do not have deadlines in place, but because of the way I am, I seem to try to finish everything as soon as possible.  I need to take a step away from that and just work at pace.  It will get done.

Financial stress is probably my biggest stress.  I feel like I owe everyone.  The hospital, my house, utilities, gas all the time, and my parents.  It is so overwhelming every month to make ends meet.  I struggle telling my wife and kids no all the time.  I feel they hate me for it.  It is so frustrating.  How do I fix it without getting another job and adding more stress to my work life?  That one I must ponder on.

Finally family stress.  Although the least of all my stress, I know I still have it.  Today is a good example.  This morning I was very happy having the kids here.  They woke up at 9 something and I took them to McDonald’s for breakfast.  We stayed there for 2+ hours.  It was great.  When they came home they were tired and wore out enough from playing in the play land, they went upstairs to watch a movie.  Peace and Quiet for another 2 hours, but that quickly went away and they have been wild ever since.  I hear my self yelling at them more as the evening goes on…and even Tania said I had sharpness in my voice when I spoke to her on the phone.  I wish I could handle this stress better.  I do not like getting mad or yelling at the kids.  They are kids and will make messes, mistakes, and be loud and obnoxious.

Maybe I do need counseling!

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

Arthur Ashe

 

What a great weekend

This past weekend was just what I needed.  Got to have a date night with Tania.  Went to dinner, talked, and watch soccer afterwards.  It was a lot of fun spending time with her and and just getting that one-on-one time was fantastic.  The kids also had fun, spending time with their cousins at their Nana and Papa’s house.

On Sunday, we held a welcoming party for the Brazilian soccer coaches who will be running a camp for our club this week.  It was good to see everyone and talk with them about my plans for the GK camps and individual practices I will be running for the GKs in the club.  I know I have truly found my calling with this club and excited to get things going and producing successful GKs over the years out of this club.

Now, I just need to continue working on healing and getting stronger each day.  I have Physical therapy today and looking forward to showing my therapist my progress.  I can now walk without crutches (not very well) and can get up and down the stairs.  I am sore today, for some reason, around my ankle, so hopefully that isn’t something I need to be alarmed about, but we will soon find out.  

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.

Henry David Thoreau

Very proud of the 1st week

Well, Friday has come and gone!  I feel I had a very successful week.  Even an evening without crutches.  I hobbled around, yes, but I hobbled around.  Do you get what that means?  Well, it means that my right leg can support my body.  This time a week ago, I was using a walker, I was humiliated, upset and depressed.  Last night I used my body and supported my weight.  In my book that is huge.  Am I healed…probably not even close, but each day seems to be a milestone for this leg.

If you remember it was Monday, June 30th when this all went down.  Absolutely no feeling or motion in the leg.  Went through a battery of tests, only to be told there is nothing medically wrong with me.  Tuesday, July 1st, sensory begins to come back. Wednesday, July 2nd, motion begins to return, but very slowly.  And since that day, I have tried working my butt off to walk normal again.  Lat night I supported myself on my own, without any help!!!!

I am excited for this weekend.  Date night with my wife tonight.  We never really plan this thing, juts love having the one-on-one time together, without any kids.  It will be nice to sit and talk with her, look at her, and enjoy the time with her…and without crutches, at least I hope.  

She has been my rock through all this.  In fact, even though she would take the credit, but she has been stronger than me.  She has taken a lot of the daily things we used to split all on her own.  She is always in the car, taking the kids her and there, and picking hem up.  Taking me to my physical therapy sessions 2x a week.  And trying to do her daily job on top of it all.  I know it has not been easy for her, but I thank her for all she has been doing. I love her so much and hopefully tonight I can show that to her.

So, 1 week in the books.  Next week will be even better.  Stay positive and keep moving forward.

Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox